Because of a special request made by my special sister, I'm once again staring down the blinking cursor, trying not to allow it to intimidate me.
My sister is six years my junior. While my big girl pants are all stretched out and saggy as I near my 40's, she's just breaking in her spankin' new pair in her early 30's. I think I've always assumed, being the oldest kid of a sibling set, that I would be the ground breaker, path forger, advice giver, learn from my mistakes maker. I never pictured my younger sibling facing things I've never faced. I just thought it had to come through me first to get to them. So when a flurry of e-mails and phone conversations shot off in December concerning her newly born baby and his special emergency medical needs involving surgeries and hospital stays and teams of specialists...I lacked advice, experience, words. I still blink back tears because I could not take that blow first for my baby sister.
The six months leading up to this were filled with so many changes for her and her family. Her husband got a new, challenging job that caused them to move across the country, away from her family and toward his. Her son started pre-school. They bought a house. New neighbors, new church, new grocery stores, new schedules. Her family was growing from 4 to 5.
These were all things I had done. Though my move wasn't as extreme as hers, I certainly could relate to leaving the sphere of my parents' immediate influence and moving to within drop-in distance of my in-laws. I experienced my children growing up and starting school. I've looked for houses, and started new friendships. I've questioned my ability to handle the leap from 2 to 3 kids aged four and under.
But this...seeing your newborn face uncertain odds, when you should be just focusing on nursing and keeping track of dirty diapers...this was not something I could relate to. This was my sister's battle, thousands of miles away from me, and I could nothing about it but put it in the hands of the God who has been my hiding place, my comforter, my strength in all the struggles I have faced. I questioned God's judgement. The truths that I knew, that God loves my sister perfectly, and that this situation was in the middle of that love, that God would use this as He does all things, for good for those who love Him, that God could use this for his glory and as an instrument to grow her faith and testimony....I did not doubt those things, but I questioned his methodology, the tools he chose to use. Who makes a baby go through this? Who makes a mother, whose hormones are all over the map, deal with such pain and emotion and require her to still think clearly and make decisions about such major things? You can do what you want with me, God, but don't mess with my kids, and don't mess with my little sister.
Apparently, you can't draw lines in the sand with God. Brokenness is part of existence, and no one is free from its influence. Faith in the midst of questions, thankfully, is still faith. I could see shadows of just some of the miracles taking place moment by moment. The doctors and nurses who were in the right place at the right time, the technology that allowed the problem to be understood and dealt with. The family of believers who prayed...I think that was the biggest miracle of them all - how one crisis created such unity amongst a group of people, many who did not know my sister at all, but out of love for me or my mother or some other relation, dedicated themselves to calling out to God on behalf of one little baby in a rocky mountain state. The people of prayer who not only committed to praying on the day of surgery but who check in every week and ask for an update. There is something amazing and beautiful about how God allowed each of these prayer warriors to be a part of a miraculous moment. To get so many people on their knees is no small feat; but then again, I serve no small God.
I am thankful that this little baby continues to grow and heal. The road is long, but he's got a strong mother, stronger than me, and a God who called so many saints into action on his behalf. I admire my sister so much for her poise, and I know God must too, to entrust her with such a road to walk.
God has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ~Ecclesiastes 3:11
I will never comprehend the mind of God, but I can trust that He has beauty in his purposes.
